From Frustration to Compassion: Humanizing Complex Dementia Cases
"My mom's caregivers keep quitting. They say she's aggressive, but I know that's not who she is. She's scared and confused, and I don't know how to help the people caring for her understand that. How do I get them to see the person she really is instead of just the behaviors?"
Today, I want to walk you through a real case. A woman I'll call June Frankl. She was a client living with dementia whose care became tangled in frustration, caregiver turnover, family stress, and misunderstandings. What changed everything wasn't a new protocol. It was slowing down, listening, and remembering that every behavior comes from a person who is trying to feel safe.
June had a dementia diagnosis that led to multiple caregiver resignations. Her daughter was stressed and protective, but still trusting. The care team felt overwhelmed. June had been labeled as "aggressive," "wanders," "refuses help." Her symptoms suggested visual-spatial deficits, like dropping plates and not seeing the edges of counters. She also experienced visual hallucinations and had difficulty with depth perception.
The breakthrough wasn't a one-time fix. It was consistency. Micro-check-ins, listening, adjusting, and repeating. When I met with June's daughter, I didn't go in to defend our service. I went in to understand her. Her frustration softened the moment she felt heard. Listening is intervention. People calm down when they feel seen.
This work isn't about heroic fixes. It's about humble presence. I didn't "fix" June. I helped the team see her more clearly. When we shift the lens, everything else follows. Behavior is communication. Behind every challenge is a person trying to feel safe, understood, and connected.
Vanessa's Response
A note from Vanessa
Your mom isn't aggressive. She's frightened. She's living in a world that doesn't make sense to her anymore, and the only way she knows how to tell you that is through the behaviors everyone keeps labeling as "difficult." You see past those labels because you know her. You remember the woman she was before this disease started stealing pieces of her. And you're fighting to make sure everyone else sees her that way too.
That fight? It matters more than you know.
The truth is, when caregivers keep leaving, it's usually not because your mom is too much to handle. It's because they didn't have the right support, the right training, or the right understanding of what's happening beneath the surface. Dementia care is deeply complex, and not every caregiver is equipped for it. That's not your fault, and it's not hers either.
What I want you to know is this: the right caregiver for your mom is out there. Someone who will take the time to learn her rhythms, see her fear for what it really is, and respond with patience instead of frustration. Someone who will walk into her home and treat it like sacred ground.
You are doing a beautiful, brave thing by refusing to let the world reduce your mother to a list of symptoms. Keep advocating for her. Keep showing people who she really is. And please, let someone help you carry this. You don't have to do it alone.
~ Vanessa
When someone like June gets labeled as aggressive or refuses help, we have to pause and remember that behavior is communication. Behind every difficult moment is a person simply trying to feel safe and understood. Instead of focusing on the label, try to look at their world through their eyes. Are they experiencing visual-spatial deficits, like not seeing the edges of counters? Could they be having visual hallucinations or startle responses? When you slow down and approach them with genuine curiosity instead of assumptions, you start to see the person behind the diagnosis. The goal isn't to "fix" the behavior. It's to help everyone involved see the individual more clearly so they can offer the right kind of support.
Vanessa's Advice
The Person Behind the Behavior
Every behavior we label as "difficult" is actually a form of communication. The person who refuses care may be protecting their last sense of autonomy. The family member who seems overly critical may be drowning in guilt and grief. When we approach these situations with curiosity instead of judgment, we open doors that seemed permanently closed. I've seen relationships completely transform when caregivers shift from asking "Why won't they cooperate?" to "What are they trying to tell me?"
Give yourself permission to not have all the answers right away. Building trust with someone living with dementia, and their worried family, takes time, patience, and sometimes creative problem-solving. Celebrate the small victories: a moment of connection, a smile, a hand that reaches back. These moments matter more than any care plan. You chose this work because you have a gift for compassion. Trust that gift, even when the path forward isn't clear."
Vanessa Valerio
RN, Gerontologist
Practical Tips for Families
- 1Listen before you label. Approach your loved one and their care team with genuine curiosity rather than making assumptions about challenging behaviors. When you listen without being defensive, people feel seen, and frustration softens during difficult transitions.
- 2Observe without an agenda. Meet your loved one as a person first, not a patient. Set the care plan aside for a moment and just be with them. Walking together without a set task helps you notice their natural rhythm and who they still are underneath the diagnosis.
- 3Prioritize emotional fit when choosing a caregiver. Beyond checking a resume for technical skills, look for qualities like patience, warmth, and flexibility. Matching your loved one with someone who can tune into their world is what makes a care placement last.
- 4Share the blueprint of who they are. Use care conferences to speak first and share who your loved one used to be. Their history as an artist, a storyteller, a gardener. When caregivers understand the person behind the diagnosis, everything shifts.
- 5Take transitions slowly. If a new schedule or live-in plan feels rushed, it's okay to say so. Ask for a more gradual approach. Following your loved one's lead and staying flexible with logistics builds the trust everyone needs.
- 6Keep communication consistent and proactive. Work with the care team to set up micro-check-ins, whether that's daily notes from the caregiver or weekly conversations with the care manager. Small, steady adjustments are far more effective than waiting for a crisis to make changes.
- 7Reframe behavior as communication. When your loved one is labeled as aggressive or refuses help, look deeper. There may be underlying causes like visual-spatial deficits, fear, or a need for safety. Shifting the lens to see the person behind the behavior helps everyone, including you, respond with more patience and compassion.
About Vanessa Valerio
RN, Gerontologist, GCM, PAC Coach
With more than twenty years of experience in geriatric nursing and care management, Vanessa helps families navigate the emotional and practical challenges of aging. Her work focuses on dementia care, complex care coordination, and supporting families through difficult decisions.
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